What is Asexuality?
As we approach International Asexuality Day on April 6th, let's talk about what asexuality really means. This is a lesser-known and often misunderstood sexual orientation that is estimated to make up at least 1% of the population. An asexual is a person who doesn't experience sexual attraction. Like people with other sexual orientations, this is not a choice. The feelings just aren't there — and that's ok!
Being asexual, or ace, does NOT automatically mean a person has something medically or mentally wrong or that the person has experienced trauma. Being asexual is different from being celibate because an asexual person doesn't feel sexual attraction that they're choosing to abstain from. Being asexual doesn't mean that a person is weird, lonely, defective, immature, can't have relationships, or doesn't have sex (we'll talk about this later.)
If you're still confused, it's ok. Maybe this cake metaphor can help:
Imagine that other people frequently talk about how much they love cake. They say that they crave it often and that they spend a lot of energy trying to get it. You might enjoy cake sometimes, but it's not that big of a deal and you don't really think about it. Maybe you'd have cake if the opportunity arose, but it's more of a "nice to have" than a "must have."
This is how it might feel to be asexual. Many aces often joke that cake is MUCH better than sex!
Relationships
Sexual relationships
Some aces are comfortable with having sex, even if they might not feel sexual attraction. A person doesn't need to feel sexual attraction for choosing to have sex, getting aroused, enjoying sex, etc. and these things do NOT mean that a person isn't asexual. If an ace is in a relationship with a person who experiences sexual attraction, it's crucial for the asexual partner to feel safe enough to make a choice that's right for them. Partners may make compromises to satisfy different needs, but sex is NEVER something that is owed to anyone. As in every type of relationship, everyone has a right to their own body and their boundaries deserve to be respected.
Intimate/sensual relationships
Although an ace may be sex-repulsed or doesn't want to have sex, they may still be comfortable with other forms of intimacy such as cuddling and kissing. Sometimes both partners can get their needs met this way. Again, each partner deserves to have their boundaries respected.
QPR (Queerplatonic Relationships)
This is an umbrella term for relationships that generally fall between the "friends" and "romance" categories. There is no single definition of what this relationship looks like.
If you know someone who is asexual
How do you be an ally? The first step is to validate the other person's experience. It's not weird or bad if a person doesn't feel sexual attraction. Please do not tell the person that they'll grow out of this phase or that they just haven't met the right person yet. Just like you probably don't have anything that "turned you" into a particular sexual orientation, don't assume that something caused a person to be asexual. Trust them to know themselves.
If you think you might be asexual
There can be a lot of emotions that occur when someone is first exploring their asexuality. Remember that there's nothing wrong with you, there are many other people who are similar to you, and there are asexual communities to help support you. Some aces find empowerment in understanding this part of themselves and it can help them feel more confident in choosing if and when they have sex. There is an entire spectrum of asexuality, so don't count yourself out if you sometimes feel sexual attraction.
Note: Most aces have felt the same way throughout their lives. If you're experiencing a sudden change in sex drive, consider talking with a medical professional or a therapist.
Recommended resources:
AVEN (website)
https://www.asexuality.org
AVEN forums
https://www.asexuality.org/en
AVEN's Sexualities Master List
https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/123256-asexuality-sexual-orientation-lexicon-read-me
The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julia Sondra Decker
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20344514-the-invisible-orientation